I want it NOW!

I was witness to an interesting event this week. A student in the junior high refused to get out of his mother`s car to go to school. She and a group of teachers stood outside the car and appeared to strategize on how to extract the kid - acting as though the jaws of death couldn`t pry that adolescent from the grips of his seatbelt. Like the same feeling I have about petting the dog down the street - I`m fairly certain I`d pull back a bloody stump if I ever tried to pet the poorly socialized little feller. This kid is 13 years old and quite intelligent (he rocks at English), but obviously used to getting his way. When I asked others about it, they shook their heads and immediately claimed that it was a mental problem. After discussing it with another foreign friend, she astutely labeled it "a brat problem." So often, bad behavior is excused as a mental issue here. You live, you learn. When I was younger, there was never a question of whether or not I was going to school. I am convinced that my mother would have pulled me kicking and screaming from the vehicle, letting me land on the sidewalk and drive ahead to work. There were two litmus tests - have you thrown up? Or do you have a fever? No? Get your backpack. Sometimes (stress on sometimes) horrible colds and the flu were negotiable. Not that my mother is a cold human being or intent on opening the pandora`s box of runny noses - she is just not a push-over. I feel like 13 years old is a little ridiculous to be throwing a tantrum and being able to walk all over your parents - that should be reserved for younger ages, when you are well-prepared to throw yourself on the floor of the grocery store and scream for strawberry Twizzlers. You know, the worthy causes.

Ah-ha! Moment

It has been a slow start to the school year thus far. Between the sweat and the occasional four-hour long work party, it has yet to pick up the pace. When I am not at school, I can usually be found sitting on the floor of my apartment, watching enough episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians to deplete my brain power by half or going to the gym and making the men very uncomfortable. When I was there on Saturday, I checked the log you have to sign in to when you begin. A guy had only been there ten minutes when I got there and he left shortly after. I am super selfish though in the gym and love having the machines to myself. Especially the treadmill, which is quickly becoming my favorite now that I have figured out how to turn it on.

I went running yesterday morning really early and as I slowed down for my cooldown walk and was breathing like a pug with blocked nasal cavities, an old man was walking to his field to look at his crops. He stopped me and asked me two specific questions. How old are you? Do you run here everyday? It took me a moment to respond - partially because I had to catch my breath and also because I was shocked. I understood what he was asking. I had a glorious moment in time where I understood everything a person was asking me in Japanese and responded in kind. My Oprah ah-ha moment. It took me a moment to respond because of the breathing and the shock, but also because, always the morbid skeptic, my initial thought was "Why do you want to know? Are you going to be hiding in that brush pile with a knife?"

It`s the Gosh Darn Humidity

Let me start by saying that yes, I did just reference Da Turdy Point Buck. I like to keep it classy. If you didn`t have the privilege of growing up in the upper midwest or being there during deer hunting season, this special song can be heard on the radio about once an hour. Thankfully, the point to which I refer is within the first 15 seconds.



The humidity has officially slammed into Japan. At least, on my island it has. Apparently it is worse here than on the mainland because it`s an island - i.e. it`s surrounded by water. On Sunday, when I had to work, I was walking to work and suddenly realized how much sweat I was producing. And so it begins. Walking to work and the rest of my co-workers driving -> me showing up dripping in sweat and having to change my shirt before school starts and them, foreheads dry, asking me if I`m okay. "No, I`m not having a heart attack. Thank you for the concern." My apartment has constant moisture in the air so I am looking into getting a dehumidifier to fight the damp. I will have to check out the place my sister refers to as Ojika`s Best Buy. You`d have to see the place to see how ridiculous that reference is.

I was teaching my sixth grade students yesterday and I turned to write some numbers on the board and they all went "WOW! SUGOI!" Sugoi means like "amazing!" or to express amazement. It didn`t take me long to realize they were talking about my sweat-covered back. I sweat through two layers. What!? I can`t help it! Later in the day, I walked to the gym to work out and my umbrella was pretty flimsy and turned itself inside out a few times with all the wind. After I was finished, I walked home drenched from my workout and the air was misty from the rain. I was checking out with my items and the owner of the shop said "don`t you have an umbrella?!" I wasn`t about to tell her "oh no, that`s just sweat," so I just told her my umbrella was super small.

My co-worker says they are predicting a hotter, stickier summer for Japan this year in comparison with the last. I`m going to need to save my yen to hire a personal attendant to fan me all day long.

I'm not ASKING you who's on second!

I am in Osaka right now, taking in some sightseeing during Golden Week. Golden Week in Japan is when there are three consecutive holidays in the middle of a week so you can pretty much call the entire week a bust in regard to work. So I took advantage of the opportunity to come to Osaka. So far, I have gone to the Osaka Aquarium, rode the giant ferris wheel and visited Osaka Castle. The Aquarium was okay but super crowded with too many small children. Note to fellow travelers - don't go during GW. Also, while they had the expected fish, sharks and dolphins, it was still kind of depressing seeing their captivity. If you have seen The Cove, you will know what I am talking about. It made me question where those dolphins came from. I still think that Cape Town had the nicest aquarium I have ever been to - barring my dislike for animal captivity. It was impossible to enjoy it when you are trying not to get elbowed. They even spaced out the tourists so that the traffic would flow better but that didn't seem to help much. And parents, note to you: do not put your child up on your shoulders so they can see better!!! You are cutting off the views of the people behind you! When you have that mob mentality, it's survival of the fittest tourism and I prefer the laid back version.

The ferris wheel was fine and did everything it promised to do - that is, turn in a big circle and allow for a few photo ops. And then I headed to the castle, which is pretty but would probably be even more amazing during cherry blossom season, which just passed a few weeks ago.

I saw a Subway for lunch and became super excited for a healthy American-style lunch. I was in for a rude awakening. I ordered the #3 sandwich - a chicken and cheese 6 in. sub with the works on it. It was when I was about to pay, I realized that they had prepared three sandwiches for me! And the resulting conversation was like a bi-lingual version of Abbot and Costello's Who's on First?

Me: Sorry! Just one sandwich.
Sandwich Artist: You wanted three?
Me: No, I wanted one #3.
Sandwich Artist: So, you wanted three.
Me: No, I wanted one.
Sandwich Artist: One?
Me: Yes, I wanted one #3, the chicken and cheese.
Sandwich Artist: You want three?
Me: No, I want one.
Sandwich Artist: One?
Me: (Giving up on life) One.

I am sure that they thought I was an idiot. It is apparent that Japanese Subway shops do not pay attention to the numbers of sandwiches like its American brethren. But then again, why would they think I want three sandwiches? And why do they put a cheese paste on their subs rather than the real deal? So many unanswered questions.

If You Lift It, They Will Come...With Cake

I went to the public gym yesterday and was lifting weights. The only other person in the weight room was the only girl on the track and field team, an 11th grader. She is an amazing runner. This is the same girl whose grandmother commented that her skin is too dark because she is always outside running. The girl obliterates her competition when she runs. We worked out in silence after greeting each other. The girl is strong - it`s impressive. I am convinced that if she was on the track for university, she could win a scholarship. I think she was pleased that there was another woman in there lifting weights. I imagine it can get lonely being the only girl on the track and field team.

Today at lunchtime, I was sitting at my desk, eating lunch when she came in with an apron on. She came bearing banana cake and tea for me she had made in home ec! Such a sweet thing to do. What a kind girl! She said "This is banana cake and this is tea! Here you are!" The kids on the island are conscientious, respectful and kind. A total anomaly in this day and age.

Head Nods

It seems like I am constantly tripping and falling on this island. I usually trip in front of other people or in front of cars driving past. And the first thing I do as I can feel gravity doing me wrong, is put my hands out and fling any precious items in my hands to the side (kindle, iPod). I don`t want to ruin them with my always-less-than-graceful landings. The second thing is to check my pants to make sure I didn`t rip them. The last thing usually involves a lot of swearing and muttering under my breath.

Classes are going well. I think I still intimidate some of the kids but you know you are making strides when they come to collect you for lunch by themselves in the junior high, rather than like a herd of gazelles - safety in numbers. Don`t worry, kids. I got my vampire teeth pulled out in the 4th grade before I got braces. I don`t bite. I am working with the junior class preparing to go to university in the high school. It involves a lot of reading texts and then going over vocabulary and comprehension. It`s a bit of a yawn factory but that`s what I have been asked to do and more interesting changes in activities to the lesson plan have been deemed unnecessary. So far, since I am unable to change the content of the lessons, the only thing that seems to keep their attention is me using my outdoor voice inside. Just talk like you`re enthusiastic and they`ll pay more attention. I know that reading about the fermentation of tea leaves hasn`t felt inspiring - although I did learn that all teas are actually made from the same tree. Fascinating. I really want to push the students but I am told that they can`t handle being pushed in their English skills. I am convinced that if they focus hard enough, they could hold a conversation with me or answer questions. If you start off a lesson by telling students it`s probably too difficult for them, they aren`t going to give it their all.

The weather in Ojika has been fabulous. It is the perfect temperature. It`s between the bone-chilling and windy cold and the dripping sweat stages. There are flowers in bloom all over the island and farmers have planted their rice and other vegetables. I am really looking forward to the summer! In the early mornings and late afternoons, of course. I will be too busy wallowing in my own sweat at all other times of the day. I`m hoping that getting into shape will cut down on misery come July.

When I go for my walks on the island, one thing that seems a bit much is all the nodding people expect you to do. A lot of drivers going past will nod and while I understand this as a courtesy in Japan, I also find it highly unnecessary. I get it. You are being respectful by acknowledging me - but I don`t need to be acknowledged. Just like I don`t need you to acknowledge that I fell back there on the sidewalk. I need to listen to my "Super Sassy Workout Mix" iTunes playlist and think about what I`m making for dinner or about my ten-year plan. I like to zone out during my walks and worrying about offending someone by not bowing with my head seems too much to bear. I have noticed that women are far more courteous toward me in car-bowing. The bus driver and the lone taxi driver in Ojika, however, are always willing to give a wave. It`s all very Mr. Roger`s neighborhood sometimes. I should do some kind of study on this.

Weighty Issues

I went to the gym the other day and I am going to go back again today. The gym in Ojika is definitely an interesting place. It costs 100 yen to work out and it`s usually pretty quiet, unless there are games or tournaments. For equipment, it kind of feels like you are stepping back twenty years. There are old-fashioned stair climbers and a stationary bike that have lost their resistance, one treadmill (where the belt seems unattached), and a rodeo seat. I don`t really understand the rodeo seat. Obviously the intention is that it`s like you are on a bucking bull, but it just makes grown men look ridiculous, sitting on this small seat that just seems to vibrate. I have yet to figure out the health benefits of the rodeo seat. Other than the machines that are seemingly worthless, there are some free weights and some other machines I`m a big fan of. Of course, there are never any women in there working with weights. Whenever I have asked men if women lift weights, they shake their heads and start laughing. The standard for Japanese women is to be slim - no muscles. Well, they are about to get schooled.

I have friends who have problems with the idea of female perfection here in Japan - getting comments on their size and skin color. I agree with them. While I find Japanese people on my island to be extremely polite and wonderful people, there are other cases where people are rude and passive aggressive to me because I am bigger than Japanese women. Living in Mozambique taught me to love my body no matter what I look like because every culture has a different perspective. In Mozambique, it was great to be a bigger person with hips and curves because that means you are healthy and successful. In Japan, curves are anything but the rage. So far, I have found Korea, China and Japan to be similar in their views on women and weight. There`s a lot of woman-against-woman criticism. Women are supposed to be slim, with white skin and people are quick to point out each others` "flaws." But I think that if you worry about everyone else`s opinions all the time, you will go crazy. It`s all in the confidence. Rock what you got.

I was in the teacher`s room last week when I was approached by an office staff, with a co-worker reluctantly translating, asking if I wanted to take leave for a mental exam. I said no and he kept insisting, saying that he recommended it. That made me question why he would ask me. Do I exude mental imbalance? Do I look like a fruit loop? He apparently didn`t ask everyone (just a few teachers) and I am super curious as to why he would think I need a mental exam. I consider myself a pretty happy, emotionally stable person. I guess in Japan it isn`t considered rude to tell people that you think it`s a good idea for them to be psychologically examined. I can see why my co-worker didn`t want to translate.